January 3, 2012

Action Movie Heroes Never...

It's been a little bit since I've done a good rant. I'm due, so here goes.

Action movie heroes don't do certain things, which we all do often or would be subject to in their situation.
Use the bathroom
Very rarely does/could/would this contribute to plot development, unless a sweet restroom fight scene is necessary, but it deserves mentioning. Actually, I'm kinda glad we never see Jack Bauer walking out of the men's room. And we all know Chuck Norris metabolizes every single molecule of ingested food and drink, so he has no need for waste facilities.

Eat or hydrate
I know it'd be boring to watch them eating a sandwich or downing some V8 juice, but they all sure spend plenty of time drinking alcohol and having flashbacks or pity-parties-for-one. I wouldn't mind seeing some food on the table while they plan their big heist. Maybe this is why I love Rusty, aka Brad Pitt, in the Ocean's 11 movies [debatable on qualifying for "action" genre]. He eats. All. The. Time. Just like normal people would do when needing strength for high-risk activity.
Break bones (at least not their own)
You've seen the fights these characters get into. Brutal and ultra-violent. Yet somehow, though a knee gets kicked sideways and some massive steroid-fueled villain bends the hero's arm into a pretzel, our star hobbles onward for about 30 seconds and then is able to sprint and leap from an exploding building to grab onto a helicopter at the last second. Granted, they probably have ridiculous amount of adrenaline at the time, but even that can't compensate for compound fractures, can it?

Fill up on gas
Government vehicles keeping gas in the tank makes sense to me. What I don't understand is how when action heroes are forced into a split-second decision about which car to hijack or steal in whatever manner, they never, ever pick a car where the driver likes to run the gas right down to the E line. Maybe I'm the only person in the whole world that ever does that. Even when I mostly try to fill up at 1/4 tank.
Get a flat tire
For all the high-speed chases and ramming and side-swiping, these action heroes never, ever pop a tire. It's a Festivus miracle. Because I know when I run into a curb wrong, there's a chance I'll get a flat. Yet somehow, even when stealing a random tiny car in some European town, the tires are made of steel and can withstand any blow inflicted on them at break-neck speeds. Miraculous.

Anything you've noticed from action movie heroes which I may have forgotten?

Carry on saving the day, heroes!

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